So, I started this journey in December of 2023. I created an Instagram account and posted my first post two days before Christmas Day. It was exhilarating. The post was of me in a ski suit. To be clear, remember I use AI to enhance my photos. But just because I use AI doesn’t make it any less personal for me. Posting my photos is a peek inside my style and personality. Anyway, I didn’t expect much but within just a few hours I was getting followers and likes. Looking back, it was a dangerous time, but I didn’t even realize it at the time. Over the next couple weeks, I was gaining followers at a rapid rate and quickly got to 1,000 followers by January 9th. When you get to 1,000 followers, Instagram lets you change your account to a professional account, which gives the creator like me a dashboard with many metrics like engagement rates, accounts reached, followers, and achievements. This is where the story starts to turn dark for me and I didn’t even realize it.
Now I had a dashboard, and I didn’t notice it at first, but I was already obsessing over the numbers. It is the classic case of ignorance is bliss. Without the professional account I was just focused on seeing new people follow me and having fun posting content. It was pretty basic and innocent. No strings attached, no pressure to perform, just me having fun posting. But now with this new data I saw these percentages that showed my ‘performance’ and as a young woman influencer I didn’t see that I was internalizing those performance numbers into my own sense of self-worth. Good numbers meant I was worthy, I was pretty, I was creative; bad numbers meant I was bad, ugly, boring, unworthy. I started to feel anxious when I wasn’t getting the numbers I so badly wanted. It is so insidious how the system can make you believe a reality that you know is not true. And then the shit hit the fan in late February.
The impact all of this on my mental health was shocking to me in retrospect. It was like a drug you want more, every day. When you get in that mode, every post is a visit to your social media drug dealer. But it is a drug dealer that does not always give you your fix. If a post goes flat, you feel all those emotions of rejection and loss of self-worth. But even worse is when your drug dealer completely cuts you off like Instagram does when you make them mad it is devastating. And that is exactly what happened next.
So, let’s discuss what happened. But first some background that can add to the story. I am a young woman who is a virtual influencer and I post pictures of myself in swimsuits, lingerie and some of these posts can be provocative. I try to keep my posts fun, flirty, and within the guidelines of Instagram’s Community Guidelines. Things were still on fire for me at Instagram. Those posts in lingerie and swimsuits had allowed me to get followers and engagement. I had surpassed 3,000 followers and my engagement and accounts reached was through the roof. And then in late February I opened up the app and I had a message that I had posted photos that were deemed unacceptable to the guidelines by the Instagram Algorithm. I was confused. I had been sure to not post any pictures with explicit nudity. The two pictures below are the ones that got flagged as not meeting the Instagram guidelines. One just shows me in a bikini on a beach and the caption asked in a flirtatious way, ‘do you want to help me build a sandcastle?’ and the second one is me facing away from the camera in my underwear, no top and I am covering my right breast to prevent showing my nipple, which is a big no-no on Instagram. So, at first, I decided to appeal their ban on my pictures. I was certain that I had not broken any rules. But then I felt small and helpless as Instagram is big faceless judge, jury and executioner. And I also realize now that like the addict I was I needed the affirmation of my drug dealer, Instagram. Now, I was frantic, and I tried desperately just to take down the posts. But because I had already submitted a challenge I couldn’t and now I was stuck. And my account was locked in a mode where they would not recommend my content.
While I was waiting for the matter to clear itself, which took about 5 days. I was a mess. I know to someone who has not been in this position it sounds preposterous. I can hear people reading this saying, ‘get over it; it’s just social media; come on really what’s the big deal?’ I totally get it and I would have thought the same thing before getting on Instagram. But remember by this time I was fully down the Instagram rabbit hole. Instagram at this point had fully trained my brain in a very short amount of time to validate my self-worth through the constant feedback loop of likes and follows and engagement. This happens to young women every day whether they are using AI or not to make their images. And if you remember what I said earlier, the dashboard metrics became a signal to my brain of ‘how good or worthy I was at this point.’ And now, because of this issue where Instagram flagged two of my posts, when I looked at my dashboard, I immediately saw all those metrics tank. I was previously seeing double digit growth in all my metrics and overnight it went to negative numbers. I felt the real withdrawal symptoms of being addicted to that dopamine hit that social media gives you.
Instagram will say that there is no such thing as a shadowban. That is absolutely not true and I know that after my own personal experience. After I crossed their line with those two images, which I still say did not breach any community guidelines, they stopped recommending my posts and punished me immediately.
I was a mess. I was confused. I didn’t understand why I felt this way. I felt a mix of emotions. I was sad, angry, depressed. I kept telling myself, ‘What’s the big deal, it’s only social media, why are you feeling this way?’ I couldn’t explain it myself. I wanted my drug back. I wanted desperately to get back that good feeling of getting more followers and more engagement. But that had been taken away. That is when I knew I had to step away and decide whether I wanted to do this anymore. Why the hell was I doing this?!
So, I posted a photo of me sitting on a bed with a monster behind me representing the Instagram Algorithm Monster and told my followers that I was leaving. At this point I did not honestly know whether it was a temporary hiatus or permanent. And it absolutely tanked my mental health.
It was hard at first after I stepped away. I kept feeling this pull, like the addiction feeling I mentioned earlier. The very next day I wanted so badly to post but I fought the feeling. But as each day went by it got easier to not think about Instagram. And over the first week I already felt like a weight was lifting. I was rediscovering myself. I was recognizing that if you want to be on social media you have to really define the healthy reasons for wanting to do this and the boundaries for good mental health. And what I discovered as I thought about it is:
- I create photos first for my own creative outlet and enjoyment, not the algorithm’s numbers.
- It’s also about making connections with fellow creators. I want to make connections with these wonderful people that are so creative. I want to make sure I support them and contribute to a supportive community.
- Have fun, don’t take myself so seriously.
If you do these things, it keeps you grounded and lets the creativity, come out of you. It also keeps the narcissism monster at bay where you are focused on that self-aggrandizing behavior of wanting more and more and more.
After a two-week self-exile, I decided to come back to Instagram. I missed the people I had connected with. And coming back was mainly driven by the need to continue to connect with them and see all the wonderful creativity they were bringing into the world. It was the start of understanding again about what was good about social media. There are so many wonderful people that are rooting for your success and if you embrace that it is a special feeling. Don’t get me wrong there are some not so good people (trolls), but overall, there are many more wonderful people who support you. And now that I am back you might ask, is it all better? It is better, but it isn’t perfect. And it isn’t easy to completely turn off what the Algorithm Monster is constantly trying to pull you towards. Because remember Instagram and all social media companies have a vested interest in getting you hooked on their drug. They want you to check the app, post to the app and get that hit of dopamine. But I am in a better place. I am more focused on my creativity and the people.
I have also branched out into other creative realms. I have this new website that I am 100% in control of. I am considering other creative outlets that I can’t really talk about just yet as they are still in development. On Insta I have also posted different genres of posts like steampunk, fantasy and cosplay and I am learning to create Reels with my images. I am a virtual influencer after all and have AI to help me create fantastical posts. So why not? I also make sure to tell myself every day when I get on Insta that I am going to be a positive influence. I will share other creators’ content; I will show the people that follow me how much I appreciate them and their wonderful comments. And I will have fun. That’s it in a nutshell
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